[Ah. That's no fun at all. His smile dims and he looks back down to the stain. Much like he's working to erase his own mark on Mattias' mind, he's left with this tedious task?
Well, if that's what he must do.]
You must be enjoying this. [He comments as he nears the end, just getting the last bit out with a few scrubs. This time, there's no glance upwards.]
[His exhaustion is catching up to him. The events of the night were far more chaotic than he could have guessed. He's half-asleep when Oren speaks again, peeking one eye open.]
I've garnered some amusement. Why? Does it bother you?
[Annnd done. He sits back on his knees, ignoring the ache as he smiles simply at Mattias. A slow stand and he looks him up and down.]
But if you intend to fall asleep, then I'll have to request that you save those containers for when I am around. That much you can manage, surely. [He turns, heading to the bathroom to rinse the towel in the sink.]
Perhaps next time we can enjoy those galaxy drinks.
[He looks back to the sink, pushing back the anger that sparks in him at that. Was it such an offense to think of spending time with him now?]
It's not confidence, but your own words that made me think so. Were we not working on a project together? Mapping? [He wrings the towel a little tighter than he normally would.]
I had thought that it would be preferable to drink with company. I had wanted to see how you liked it.
[He sits on his knees, gesturing though Oren can't see.]
There's a difference between mapping and drinking, Oren. Drinking together, doing... whatever this is—It's closer to what we were than... [he sighs, defeated.] ... than what we are.
[He's silent, reluctant to say what comes next and it shows.] We can't simply pick up as if nothing happened.
[He shuts the water off, squeezing the rag dry and not looking over to Mattias still. Earlier today-- no, just seconds ago-- he was flirting considerably, and now this?
His mind is clearly at war with itself. And Oren intends to play to one side, but it enrages him to think that he has to argue it to begin with. That Mattias can want something but deny it selfishly.]
Of course not. [He folds the rag, hangs it over the faucet and steps back, turning to view him through the doorway now.] But do you not find it telling that we were so easily able to feel at ease with one another despite everything that has happened?
I don't aim to avoid your feelings or your thoughts, Mattias, but I do want to ask for forgiveness. At least allow me chances to prove myself, if that's the task you've set out.
[It's a fair point. A good one. If they both wish to move forward they need the opportunity to do so, chats, walks, even drinks. Still, it was nerve-wracking. There were complications, other people ensnared in this web. Felix would hate him, he was sure of it. They would have to keep from sight. Keep their talks to dark recesses and loud rooms. The bar would be perfect, a place where they could get lost in the chaos.
But there was still the fear left over. A fear that was less of what harm Oren would inflict and more what traps Mattias himself might step into. Oren was a weakness. His words like honey, his demeanor a relaxant. He could be terrifying and vicious and yet still draw him back with a spell of comfort and whispered words. He was too easy to fall back into particularly with desire already in place.
Mattias bites his lip. Squeezes his wrists. Weaves his fingers in and out and pulls at the hem of his tunic. Closes his eyes and considers, for a moment, what he's about to do.]
All right. [He frowns.] Drinks. Tomorrow night.
[They could use the time to discuss the map. At least, that's what he tells himself.]
[Then it's a date. He longs to tease with those words, but instead, he smiles, stepping out of the bathroom and resting his hands at his hips.]
Tomorrow night. Shall I meet you outside this building? [The walk to the place was half of the fun. He's trying to pry more out of it, to get more time. It gives him enough space to not show up at his door, he thinks.]
[His tone gets more bitter, disbelieving, and anger shines through in that way rather than outright aggression.]
You'll allow others to protect you, but when I attempt to do so, it's insulting? You don't need protection? [Even when he had called him his protector just earlier, that was joking around. False. It wasn't enough to make up for before.]
Is this formality, Mattias? Have you abandoned me?
[ a spark flares within him. A hand slams down on the desk and he whirls on Oren.]
I allow nothing! I forbade you protect me and yet you did! [ he tames somewhat.] It's the same with them. [Scowling again, he turns back to the desk. ] I can't prevent any of you fools.
[He swipes out at the air with his arm, leaving it out to the side for a few seconds before it drops. With both now at his sides, he steps forward, easing the anger out of his shoulders, flattening his frown.]
Don't you understand? If protection isn't something you desire, then you must stand up for yourself! Make your own decisions and stand by them! What does it matter if they see you if this is a choice you're making?
[Slowly, his tone has softened into something almost pleading.] I think that you've shown quite well you can protect yourself against me, Mattias.
[He'd beat him, but more than that-- his attempts back home had proven worthless. He told him that in great detail, didn't he? Took joy from it. So why was he cowering now?]
Honestly, would you rather pretend that their protection is needed?
[Turning it back on him, just like that? He bites back as much anger as he can and it results in a long silence, a heavy pause like he's thinking on those accusations.]
Both, if you must know.
[His words are low, and they do sound hurt.]
Hope is not something so easily held onto, Mattias. But I hold it with you. [He pauses, taking a step back to reflect him backing off from his arguing, from his anger. Truth frames more sinister and indecisive goals in his words.]
[It's hard question. He bites his lip and crosses his arms. Dwells on the question, turning it over in his mind. Deciding from which angle to take it. None of them are easy and very few will end well. But there's little reason to lie. Not when they have so little to lose.]
Truthfully?
[He keeps his eyes on small things: the sheets of his bed, the build of Oren's shoes, the sloppy workmanship of the closet.] My mistake. [He sighs, shuffling his feet.] My shame. My foolishness.
And yet [he looks to him now] my joy. My relief. [A shrug.] My best friend. And... [Bobbing his head to the side.] ... my love.
[While Mattias looks around avoiding his eye contact for the first part, Oren doesn't move his eyes from him one bit. He stares, focused on the words that fall from his lips. Relating them to his mother.
And so, he looks even more hurt by the time Mattias turns back, and it's shameful enough that he looks down, breaking his gaze.]
It seems that no matter what I do, I manage to shame someone.
[A bitter comment can't help but slip out because he's upset, he's angry, he's hurt. But it's quiet, more relenting, and he continues on without room for much pause.]
It's complicated from my side, as well. You must realize that. [He knows his plans now, so he has to take a different approach in his reasoning.] Perhaps that's what you fear. But I only want those latter words.
[He raises a hand, pressing the non-bandaged palm to one of his eyes.] That's all I want, Mattias.
[Mattias breathes in deep, pushing off the desk and treading to him.] I know your complications. At least some of them.
[Scuffing his feet, he takes a sharp breath.] When I was brought here, your father had me. Before he [He pauses to allow the memories to pass over before continuing.] tortured me, your father told me of what he did to you. [He looks up, holding Oren's gaze. His eyes aren't sympathetic, merely understanding.] I know how you received Enkythos. But I also know why. And I understand, in a way, just how powerful that motive is.
Which is why, [Again, he sighs] we can't ever have those latter words. Not without the former accompanying. You will always seek out my death. And I will always attempt to foil Enkythos' growth. So long as we might still return, that is how it will be.
So, no. You will never stop being my mistake, my shame, my foolishness. You will never stop being my regret. But [he stops, fixing the lapel of Oren's shirt with a tentative touch] neither will you stop being my love.
[The lack of sympathy in his eyes helps dull the reaction of Damascus being brought up. The slow approach is comforting in its own, but a look other than this would have been read as pity. Still, Oren can't look at him directly, looking down, across the room, to the side. He feels trapped by these words and it's an uncomfortable feeling, one he wants to lash out against.
But their weight is too much. It's been on his mind entirely. His relationship with Mattias was something he still didn't understand. Nocta wasn't here. He half hoped that she would never be again, that he'd be rid of this responsibility and not to blame for it. He realizes that he's grown fond of spending time with Mattias. That he's the only one who grows close to understanding him.
But he still doesn't understand him enough. He's still one step from abandoning him, if he hasn't already. He's still selfish. Mattias is the selfish one.
He feels the touch at his shirt and drops his hand from his face slowly, eyes rising to meet Mattias', and for once, there's fear in them. What is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to please Damascus like this?
And why does he crave this closeness in a way above anyone else's?
His gaze hardens again and he looks away.]
Then why does it feel as if I have?
[Stopped being his love. There's not that same loyalty, that same willingness. Oren believes he understands the relationship between his future actions and the fear now, but his view isn't quite right. He feels this is exaggerated. That his own actions are more forgivable than this.]
No, it's fine, don't answer that. [Just seconds later, he regrets opening emotionally like that and pulls back, slowly heading for the door. But he pauses a few feet from it, turning to look back and speak in almost-hesitation.]
[He could argue. He could debate and stress and add all the emphasis he wanted but it still wouldn't reach him. Nothing would. Nothing true, at least. Every man had his fantasy and large as his was, Mattias had to wonder if Oren's was more voluminous in expanse.
Mattias lets him leave without a fight. Turning to the bed, he begins to unbutton his shirt.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-05-09 08:13 am (UTC)Well, if that's what he must do.]
You must be enjoying this. [He comments as he nears the end, just getting the last bit out with a few scrubs. This time, there's no glance upwards.]
no subject
Date: 2015-05-09 08:17 am (UTC)I've garnered some amusement. Why? Does it bother you?
no subject
Date: 2015-05-09 08:31 am (UTC)[Annnd done. He sits back on his knees, ignoring the ache as he smiles simply at Mattias. A slow stand and he looks him up and down.]
But if you intend to fall asleep, then I'll have to request that you save those containers for when I am around. That much you can manage, surely. [He turns, heading to the bathroom to rinse the towel in the sink.]
Perhaps next time we can enjoy those galaxy drinks.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-09 11:25 pm (UTC)You're so confident there will be a next time? I know where they're located. There's nothing stopping me from going there myself.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-09 11:31 pm (UTC)It's not confidence, but your own words that made me think so. Were we not working on a project together? Mapping? [He wrings the towel a little tighter than he normally would.]
I had thought that it would be preferable to drink with company. I had wanted to see how you liked it.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-09 11:41 pm (UTC)There's a difference between mapping and drinking, Oren. Drinking together, doing... whatever this is—It's closer to what we were than... [he sighs, defeated.] ... than what we are.
[He's silent, reluctant to say what comes next and it shows.] We can't simply pick up as if nothing happened.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-09 11:47 pm (UTC)His mind is clearly at war with itself. And Oren intends to play to one side, but it enrages him to think that he has to argue it to begin with. That Mattias can want something but deny it selfishly.]
Of course not. [He folds the rag, hangs it over the faucet and steps back, turning to view him through the doorway now.] But do you not find it telling that we were so easily able to feel at ease with one another despite everything that has happened?
I don't aim to avoid your feelings or your thoughts, Mattias, but I do want to ask for forgiveness. At least allow me chances to prove myself, if that's the task you've set out.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-10 05:16 pm (UTC)But there was still the fear left over. A fear that was less of what harm Oren would inflict and more what traps Mattias himself might step into. Oren was a weakness. His words like honey, his demeanor a relaxant. He could be terrifying and vicious and yet still draw him back with a spell of comfort and whispered words. He was too easy to fall back into particularly with desire already in place.
Mattias bites his lip. Squeezes his wrists. Weaves his fingers in and out and pulls at the hem of his tunic. Closes his eyes and considers, for a moment, what he's about to do.]
All right. [He frowns.] Drinks. Tomorrow night.
[They could use the time to discuss the map. At least, that's what he tells himself.]
no subject
Date: 2015-05-10 06:13 pm (UTC)Tomorrow night. Shall I meet you outside this building? [The walk to the place was half of the fun. He's trying to pry more out of it, to get more time. It gives him enough space to not show up at his door, he thinks.]
no subject
Date: 2015-05-10 07:31 pm (UTC)No. That's too noticeable. [Standing.] We'll meet at the bar.
[Somehow.]
no subject
Date: 2015-05-10 07:32 pm (UTC)[That makes him pause, dropping one of the hands from his hip to gesture out for explanation.] Why?
no subject
Date: 2015-05-10 07:36 pm (UTC)[Things would get complicated.]
no subject
Date: 2015-05-10 08:09 pm (UTC)[His tone gets more bitter, disbelieving, and anger shines through in that way rather than outright aggression.]
You'll allow others to protect you, but when I attempt to do so, it's insulting? You don't need protection? [Even when he had called him his protector just earlier, that was joking around. False. It wasn't enough to make up for before.]
Is this formality, Mattias? Have you abandoned me?
no subject
Date: 2015-05-10 08:40 pm (UTC)I allow nothing! I forbade you protect me and yet you did! [ he tames somewhat.] It's the same with them. [Scowling again, he turns back to the desk. ] I can't prevent any of you fools.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-10 08:45 pm (UTC)[He swipes out at the air with his arm, leaving it out to the side for a few seconds before it drops. With both now at his sides, he steps forward, easing the anger out of his shoulders, flattening his frown.]
Don't you understand? If protection isn't something you desire, then you must stand up for yourself! Make your own decisions and stand by them! What does it matter if they see you if this is a choice you're making?
[Slowly, his tone has softened into something almost pleading.] I think that you've shown quite well you can protect yourself against me, Mattias.
[He'd beat him, but more than that-- his attempts back home had proven worthless. He told him that in great detail, didn't he? Took joy from it. So why was he cowering now?]
Honestly, would you rather pretend that their protection is needed?
no subject
Date: 2015-05-11 12:29 am (UTC)[He whirls again, bracing himself against the desk.] Are you hurt that I won't protect myself or simply that I won't let you do it?
no subject
Date: 2015-05-11 12:47 am (UTC)Both, if you must know.
[His words are low, and they do sound hurt.]
Hope is not something so easily held onto, Mattias. But I hold it with you. [He pauses, taking a step back to reflect him backing off from his arguing, from his anger. Truth frames more sinister and indecisive goals in his words.]
But what am I to you?
no subject
Date: 2015-05-11 01:07 am (UTC)Truthfully?
[He keeps his eyes on small things: the sheets of his bed, the build of Oren's shoes, the sloppy workmanship of the closet.] My mistake. [He sighs, shuffling his feet.] My shame. My foolishness.
And yet [he looks to him now] my joy. My relief. [A shrug.] My best friend. And... [Bobbing his head to the side.] ... my love.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-11 01:14 am (UTC)And so, he looks even more hurt by the time Mattias turns back, and it's shameful enough that he looks down, breaking his gaze.]
It seems that no matter what I do, I manage to shame someone.
[A bitter comment can't help but slip out because he's upset, he's angry, he's hurt. But it's quiet, more relenting, and he continues on without room for much pause.]
It's complicated from my side, as well. You must realize that. [He knows his plans now, so he has to take a different approach in his reasoning.] Perhaps that's what you fear. But I only want those latter words.
[He raises a hand, pressing the non-bandaged palm to one of his eyes.] That's all I want, Mattias.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-11 01:37 am (UTC)[Mattias breathes in deep, pushing off the desk and treading to him.] I know your complications. At least some of them.
[Scuffing his feet, he takes a sharp breath.] When I was brought here, your father had me. Before he [He pauses to allow the memories to pass over before continuing.] tortured me, your father told me of what he did to you. [He looks up, holding Oren's gaze. His eyes aren't sympathetic, merely understanding.] I know how you received Enkythos. But I also know why. And I understand, in a way, just how powerful that motive is.
Which is why, [Again, he sighs] we can't ever have those latter words. Not without the former accompanying. You will always seek out my death. And I will always attempt to foil Enkythos' growth. So long as we might still return, that is how it will be.
So, no. You will never stop being my mistake, my shame, my foolishness. You will never stop being my regret. But [he stops, fixing the lapel of Oren's shirt with a tentative touch] neither will you stop being my love.
no subject
Date: 2015-05-11 02:08 am (UTC)But their weight is too much. It's been on his mind entirely. His relationship with Mattias was something he still didn't understand. Nocta wasn't here. He half hoped that she would never be again, that he'd be rid of this responsibility and not to blame for it. He realizes that he's grown fond of spending time with Mattias. That he's the only one who grows close to understanding him.
But he still doesn't understand him enough. He's still one step from abandoning him, if he hasn't already. He's still selfish. Mattias is the selfish one.
He feels the touch at his shirt and drops his hand from his face slowly, eyes rising to meet Mattias', and for once, there's fear in them. What is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to please Damascus like this?
And why does he crave this closeness in a way above anyone else's?
His gaze hardens again and he looks away.]
Then why does it feel as if I have?
[Stopped being his love. There's not that same loyalty, that same willingness. Oren believes he understands the relationship between his future actions and the fear now, but his view isn't quite right. He feels this is exaggerated. That his own actions are more forgivable than this.]
No, it's fine, don't answer that. [Just seconds later, he regrets opening emotionally like that and pulls back, slowly heading for the door. But he pauses a few feet from it, turning to look back and speak in almost-hesitation.]
Tomorrow night. Drinks? [Was it still on?]
no subject
Date: 2015-05-11 02:24 am (UTC)Mattias lets him leave without a fight. Turning to the bed, he begins to unbutton his shirt.]
Drinks. Tomorrow night. We meet at the bar.
[He says it with finality.]